When it comes to the behavior of young children, the subject of manners is of concern to daycare and preschool staff. In preschool and daycare centers, early childhood educators are interested in understanding what is considered acceptable behavior in public, proper table manners and other manners of etiquette.
Bonnie Harris author of Confident Parents, Remarkable Kids: 8 Principles for Raising Kids You’ll Love to Live With [AdamsMedia, 2008]., answers a few questions about teaching manners to young children in the second part of our 2-part interview.
OwnADaycare: What behaviors should be taught to children ages 3-5 in the following areas:
- Meeting and greeting others.
- Learning acceptable public behavior
- Improving table manners
- Developing friendship skills
Bonnie Harris: From the beginning, little children, especially by 3, should often be included in adult conversation so that they learn through modeling the flow of talking and waiting for a response. When children are sent off to play or watch tv so adults can talk alone, they do not learn this important skill and can become intrusive with constant interruptions.
Most of the child’s learning comes through modeling. The more that children are with adults in public, at the dinner table, in conversation, the sooner they will learn appropriate behavior as long as the adults are behaving appropriately. Expecting a child to behave in a way that the child does not witness on a daily basis, is unrealistic.
I do not think teaching table manners is necessarily appropriate. Again, modeling is the best teacher. The dinner table is a place where children at this age should love to be. It should be fun and without pressure. Basic table manners can be suggested, but there is no reason a 3, even a 4 or 5 yr. old should not be allowed to eat with fingers when utensils are still clumsy. Enjoying eating and being at the table must take precedence over manners.
Friendship skills should be watched carefully to see what the individual child is capable of easily and successfully. When fighting erupts over toys, the parent needs to empathize with the child’s frustration rather than get angry at her inability to “play nicely” – a concept the 3 and possibly 4 yr. old does not understand. When something is too frustrating for the child, the parent needs to calm the child perhaps in another room and then give the child a choice about what she wants to do next. Choices give the frustrated child some power and help her regulate.
OwnADaycare: Please give some tips about teaching manners to 3-5 year olds in the following areas (games, lessons, strategies, etc.)
- Meeting and greeting others
- Learning acceptable public behavior
- Improving table manners
- Developing friendship skills
Bonnie Harris: Games are great teachers. At the dinner table, “I spy” is a great game to keep attention off food and on having fun with parents. Non-competitive games only help children this age to be creative, think through situations or problems, and take turns with others.
OwnADaycare: What tips can you give to preschool teachers so that they can nip bad behavior in the bud (maintain proper decorum)?
Bonnie Harris:
• Validate the emotion you see in the child in order to make connection
• Separate children who are fighting and upset with one another
• Never reprimand, scold, accuse, or punish
• Find a way to calm the child/ren away from each other
• Always bring the fighting children back together after emotions are calm to problem solve
• Problem solving: Give choices, ask what can be done to make it work for both of them, allow them to come up with ideas before telling them what to do.
• Give positive attention to the child’s need. We think that bad behavior should not receive positive attention. But the attention is to the need. If a child feels left out and pushes or hits to attempt being included, attention needs to be paid to the desire to play and be included. Giving negative attention to the behavior increases the child’s inner turmoil. Punishment adds insult to injury.
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