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Something happened this morning that I couldn’t wait to run over here and write about. The Tornado and Younger Son have developed this really intense friendship lately. We were all sitting with the twins building block towers, and Tornado was knocking them all down. I said, “You can knock yours down but not theirs!” So he did it again.

Younger kept building a tower just for Tornado, and was trying so hard (and patiently) to get him to focus on his. Still Tornado went for the twins, and Younger sadly informed me, “Mommy he won’t stop.” I said, “If he knocks theirs down again he gets a timeout.”

Then I got distracted by Miss S needing something, so I went off to take care of that, and Tornado knocked all the towers down again.

Younger got up and led him over to the timeout spot. I’m conflicted about letting him be in charge of such things, as it’s not my sons’ job to discipline children, and would normally step in and say so. But because of their strong dynamic lately I let it play. Tornado knew it was coming and went along willingly.

I gave him a couple of minutes and then went to get him out of the timeout spot. He immediately walked over to Younger, gave him a hug, and SAID HE WAS SORRY!!

Then he walked over to Miss C, hugged her, and said sorry!

Then he walked over to Miss D and did it again!

My eyes were filling with tears. All these years, all the run-ins we’ve had, all the work we’ve done on sharing and taking turns and understanding other people’s feelings, all the repeating over and over again about how to say you’re sorry – it all came together in one astounding moment. I’m not exaggerating when I say astounding. I couldn’t believe it was happening right before my eyes, and I was so proud to see my kids interacting this way.

And that’s the reward of child care.

I’m not saying he’s got all these beautiful behaviors down pat. In fact I think he only responded so strongly because it was Younger who gave him the timeout. Me, he’s not too concerned about angering. But YOUNGER, his new idol, that’s another story. And he was back to pulling hair two hours later during outdoor play, and that’s not shocking, it’s just to be expected. We’ll keep working on it like we always do, and there will be plenty more timeouts in the future.

But wow, what a great moment this morning.

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Amy Pybus is mom to two boys and has been a family child care provider for eight years. In her previous life she developed trainings with a focus on brain development and how it affects behavior. She has a Master’s in Education and gives trainings for parents and providers. She is a newspaper columnist and blogs about child care and parenting at www.sittingonthebaby.com.

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If you are a caretaker or a parent of a young child, you want to ensure that the children in your care have a basic understanding of etiquette and manners. When it comes to manners, most parents are concerned with development in the areas of meeting and greeting others, public behavior, and table manners. Let’s focus on those areas for children in the age range of 3 to 5.

In terms of meeting and greeting others, development within this age range varies depending on the temperament of the child. At this age it is ok to cue the child. In other words, a child can be reminded to extend his or her hand and to greet others and say “Hi, my name is”. Children however should never be forced to shake hands or to hug or kiss people they do not feel comfortable with.

Acceptable public behavior includes being able to use indoor voices, to sit quietly in a restaurant and entertaining himself while the adults are eating or talking. Children in this age range can also be expected to walk around in public places without running ahead of the parent or grabbing everything they see. The best way to manage public behaviors is to explain what is expected of the child when they are in public. For example, you may say, “We are going to a restaurant. While we are there you are expected to wait patiently for your food and to use your indoor voice”. Manners for public behavior are still developing and children aged 3 to 5 need lots of practice in this area.
When it comes to table manners, children this age should be “caught” rather than taught. Poor table manners require both direct and indirect teaching. Basic table manners should be suggested. For example you might say, “See how we use a napkin to wipe our face so our shirt won’t get dirty?” Role modeling is the way to teach table manners indirectly. Parents should use proper table manners and say please and thank you. If children don’t see you modeling this behavior, the chances are they won’t practice them. Remember that table manners and fine motor skills are still developing at this age.  Depending on the food served, children in this age range can eat with fingers when utensils are clumsy.

It is also important to remember that poor manners should not receive positive attention. Rather than lecturing or reprimanding a child for bad behavior, correct the behavior by suggesting a better way to act.  Point out positive and appropriate actions to reinforce good behavior. For example you might say, “I was so pleased when we went to the doctor’s office and you sat patiently and quietly”.

Overall, role modeling is the best teacher when it comes to manners in general and is a part of the daycare job. Model good manners by being courteous to others. Offer help when appropriate, hold the door, and pick up dropped items.  By demonstrating good manners everyday through your own behavior, you are naturally setting your child up for a lifetime of good manners.

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Continued from The Power of Words in Daycare Part 1.

This leads me to manners, and our “please and thank-you”.  For years I thought it was just mandatory that we “expect” a child to say please and thank-you.  In fact if you notice many of us demand it.  If you are at a birthday party and a child wants some more cake their Mom will more often than not say, “Did you say please” or “did you say thank-you.  Of course, this is my job and has been my job to teach manners as a parent and a provider.

A few years ago I did an updated ECE (Early Childhood Education) course.  It came to a module on teaching manners and the first thing I read was,  An educator, parent or provider should NEVER expect or demand a child to say please or thank-you.  I was appalled.  I have been doing this for 13 years at that point, a mother for 14 years.  I have worked in Daycare centers, I have owned my own daycare and have taught and facilitated a preschool program.  This idea that we shouldn’t expect a child to say please or thank-you.  I do expect children to be polite and I do expect them to say please or thank-you!   However, I have changed my theory and ideals behind this.  I thought, I will give it a try.  Now, I would not do it any other way.

The concept behind teaching children manners is that they are learning by example.  By doing this I must stay please and thank-you as often as the opportunity allows.   I now NEVER say “no” without saying “thank-you” and I never say yes, without saying “please”.   This took time, discipline (on my part) and constantly reminding myself this is for the greater benefit.  This has been a huge accomplishment as I have very polite children in my care.  I never ask or demand a please or a thank-you.  The word “no” is received much better with a respectful tone attached.   Babies respond to it better than, the harsh word…”No”.

I challenge providers to do this.  It will take time, however once you get the hang of it and over time it will come naturally for you and the children in your care.   I love after 15 years I can still find ways to perfect my craft.  This is my expertise; our days run smoother with words and positive reinforcement.   Praise is a better reward than any treat, prize, toy or privilege.  It is a reward with long lasting effects, the power of these words will be an impact on the lives of the children you are providing care now and for years to come.

My name is Louise Roberts, owner of Louise’s Day Home. I have been happily married to my high school sweetheart for almost 14 years.  I have 5 amazing kids. My mother has run a daycare for over 25 years.  So my passion for childcare has come quite honestly. In high school I did my work experience in a Daycare Centre achieving top scores and Honor’s while doing so. I did marry and have my first child young and started my Day home ASAP. I have been doing this ever since. Meanwhile, I ran and facilitated an early literacy preschool program in my community called the Magic Carpet Ride for 5 years. Through this opportunity I was able take and participate in variety workshops, courses and programs all preschool relevant.

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When it comes to the behavior of young children, the subject of manners is of concern to daycare and preschool staff. In preschool and daycare centers, early childhood educators are interested in understanding what is considered acceptable behavior in public, proper table manners and other manners of etiquette.

In Part 2 of our interview, child development professor, Johnny Castro,  answers a few questions about teaching manners to young children.

OwnADaycare: What behaviors should be taught to children ages 3-5 in various areas of development?

Johnny Castro:
Meeting and greeting others:  “Hi my name is” is about the extent that this age group can handle.  They are not too sure yet why someone else doesn’t know themJ.  They are egocentric thinkers.  Now, when parents shake hands and do other customary greetings, a child with a social temperament who chooses to do the same, can be nice and reinforced by the parent.

Learning acceptable public behavior:  This one is a tough one to tackle; what works best with public behavior is having the parent explain to the child what is expected of them when they go _________.  For example, at church we are expected to sit awhile and not talk out loud (depending on the church behavior).  Explaining to children, at this restaurant we have to wait for people to bring food; we must use inside voices, etc.

Improving table manners:  Practice and reinforce is the best method.  “I want more French fries.”  “Did you mean, ‘May I have more French fries, please’?”  Of course, avoiding sarcastic tones.  Reinforce the child when they use polite behaviors and manners on their own.  “Wow, thanks for using your polite manners.”

Developing friendship skills:  This is a loaded question and is almost its own topic.   Friendship skills, such as sharing can be taught by encouraging “turn-taking, how many minutes do you need before it is her turn.”

OwnADaycare: Please provide some tips about teaching manners to 3-5 year olds such as games, lessons, strategies, etc. in those areas you mentioned.

Johnny Castro:
Meeting and greeting others:  Role-play with stuffed animals, puppets and there are a lot of children’s books regarding manners.
Learning acceptable public behavior:  Tea parties, dramatic play of a restaurant or store.
Improving table manners:  See above, just practicing them is best.

OwnADaycare: What tips can you give to preschool teachers so that they can nip bad behavior in the bud, i.e., maintain proper decorum?

Johnny Castro: The same strategies above are helpful for teachers.  Practice, model and reinforce children’s behaviors.  I used to tell children in my classroom teaching days that my ears worked better when people were polite.

**Poor table manners require both direct and indirect teaching.  See how we use a napkin to wipe our face, so our shirt won’t get dirty.

Part 1 of Johnny Castro’s interview can be found here.

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When it comes to the behavior of young children, the subject of manners is of concern to daycare and preschool staff. In preschool and daycare centers, early childhood educators are interested in understanding what is considered acceptable behavior in public, proper table manners and other manners of etiquette.

Johnny Castro, child development professor, answers a few questions about teaching manners to young children. answers a few questions about teaching manners to young children.

OwnADaycare: At what age is it best to begin teaching manners?

Johnny Castro: The word manners is a social and cultural construct, which means, it comes from our cultural upbringing.  Therefore, people often start the process very early, even as young as 2 years of age.  Children at this age can learn the very rudimentary “please and thank yous.”  They, of course do not understand the reasons for being polite, but starting early is not a bad idea.  By 3 to 5 years, they continue to be reinforced about manners, learning some of the, “we say excuse me, when you want to go around someone.”

OwnADaycare: Please describe what behaviors are appropriate for children age 3-5 in the various developmental areas.

Johnny Castro:
Meeting and greeting others.**  This is okay when parents or an adult are there to cue the child.  Especially with certain cultures and customs that may be unfamiliar; for example many Hispanic cultures offer a kiss on the cheek at a greeting and that may be uncomfortable for these age group.

Learning acceptable public behavior**These are okay to begin modeling and teaching, they need a bit of practice to perfect it of course.  I have a nephew. For instance, when he was 4 years old had very good manners in public because his parents and grandparents had many opportunities to practice them in public settings.

Improving table manners:  By 5 years of age children can be encourage to “remember their manners” to be “polite.”  Of course, it should never be used to punish or force a child to be “polite.”  By that, I mean, parents shouldn’t say, “You don’t get your snack until you say please.”

Developing friendship skills:  Wow, it seems even adults need practice with this skill.  Friendship development, in the sense of getting along with others and sharing can happen at around 4 to 5; but it is not until around 6 to even 8 years of age that children really know what it means to be a “friend.”

Part 2 of our interview with Johnny Castro may be found here.

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Day care center teachers should always practice, model and reinforce kid’s behaviors by giving positive attention on their needs and by helping them understand the consequences of their action.

Kids in day care age are in the process of learning and practicing age-approriate manners which includes understanding behavious acceptable in public, proper friendship manners as well as meeting, greeting others and table manners.

So during this time, day care teachers and providers should help their students maintain proper decorum and manage their unacceptable behaviors. This could be a bit difficult especially when handling children, but here are a few tips to consider –

Being a model and providing positive reinforcement
Teachers should model behaviors such as using their “indoor” voice. It is also important to always use an instructional attitude with preschooler such as saying “You may do that at home but we do it differently here” or “we don’t say that word here.”

Give positive attention to the needs of the child, however, bad behaviour should not receive positive attention – attention should be focused on the need. A child sometimes feels that he is left out and does things like pushes or hits in their attempt to be included. This attention needs to be paid to the desire to play and belong. A child’s inner turmoil only increases when you give negative attention to an appropriate behavior. A child care provider should always keep in mind that punishment only adds insult to injury while positive attention goes a long way.

Inappropriate Behavior should be corrected
A day care teacher should always exercise discretion when correcting inappropriate manners. Talking to a preschooler in private is one great skillful ways of nipping the bad behavior of the child. Preschoolers are becoming more aware and concerned with their peer’s opinions and they can be easily embarrassed. Confronting and correcting bad behaviors should be done in private by smart preschool teachers.

Day care providers should also help the children understand the consequences of their actions. It had always been encouraged that teachers to allow the consequences to teach the child. For instance, if one of the day care children is hitting someone, a teacher can simply step in and say something like, “I can’t let you hit your classmates. Since you are hitting you seatmate, you must move away from these children.” Then the teacher moves the child to another part of the room. Doing this consequence teaches the child that inappropriate aggressive behaviour can result to removal from the group.

Children should also be given choices when day care providers are solving some problems. It is also considered a great strategy for problem solving. So provide them with choices and ask the kids what can work so that things will work out for both of them. Let them come up with ideas before telling them what should be done.

Though many kids are continuously learning manners in their own homes, preschool teachers should consider themselves instruments in teaching and reinforcing manners. Soon as these kids complete preschool, they will learn more about manners that are acceptable and unacceptable.

See: How to start a daycare center

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